A Season of Anticipation

The girls all dressed up

      It is finally quiet…finally!  The children are nestled all snug in their beds and there might be visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads….I wouldn’t know…I don’t want to wake them up to find out! I am sitting in Daniel’s office writing while he is meeting with the newly established finance team!  Very exciting!  It has been another long day full of silly comments, runny noses, precious smiles, laundry folding, snuggly hugs, grocery list making, treadmill running and the list goes on and on.  Then it comes to those precious hours at night after you have put each child to bed…twice that you let out a sigh of , “Thank you Lord for another day and that I didn’t kill anyone!”  No, not really….well, sometimes.  There are days when I just hang on for these quiet hours.  Some time to regroup and get reconnected with my husband. 

             The last two months have been quite full.  After our amazing Fish Boil we had our first church retreat at Daniel’s parent’s house (God bless you, Breeds and thanks again) in late October and I started leading my very first women’s bible study.  I know what you may be thinking; a pastor’s wife who has never lead a bible study?  Yes, it is quite true.  I much prefer the background; my introverted self shies away from such leadership positions, but there was an unfulfilled need and I stepped up.  We have met about five times now and each time has challenged me in many ways!  We are going through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.  As I said in my previous blog, it is a study I did a few years ago that did wonders for my walk with the Lord.  It has helped my confidence as I tread these unfamiliar waters of leadership to at least be familiar with the study and to believe in its message. Even though I feel like I am going to throw up before every study it always turns out blessing me.  I have enjoyed getting to know the wonderful ladies of our little church more deeply and appreciate their willingness to share their hearts.  It is a privilege though one I am willing to hand over after this study is done.

Moises giving Spanish lessons

              I had a blast on our church retreat!  We must have had about 40 people there and for the most part it went very smoothly.  After every “session” we would break up into small groups which stayed the same throughout the whole weekend. We talked further about how our church can reach Appleton and also about our own individual church “personality” (we had all taken a test before we came). This gave us an inside look in ourselves and into others and a new understanding of where our gifts fit into the bigger picture of the church.  Daniel did an amazing job putting it all together.  The amount of work that goes into planning such an event is crazy! Some of my most memorable moments where watching Moises Saucedo entertaining a table of children with them asking, “Moi, how do you say this in Spanish!” game!  He had those kids enraptured for almost an hour!  I also enjoyed my one on one conversations with people.  You get to know each other on a different level when you spend a couple days together.  There are truly so many things I could mention right now, but I think the most memorable part of the whole weekend was the worship service we had all together on Sunday morning.  Our newly established worship team led us in singing together some wonderful hymns and then Daniel gave a mini sermon.  We then took communion together.  I found myself choked up with emotion as I looked around at what God had done and is doing.  It was such a beautiful picture.  Daniel and I went home feeling exhausted but encouraged.

I am becoming  more comfortable in the knowledge that I have four daughters.  I know that may sound funny, but it takes a little getting used to.  God continues to get me through each day with more enjoyment in my role as “stay at home mom of four girls” and less desperation. This is a huge answer to prayer so thank you to those of you who have been praying for me in this area.  I have felt them.

Caroline and Claire & there morning snuggle time

              Over the last few months it has been fun to watch the unique relationships developing between all four girls.  Ellie and Morgan have always got along pretty well, but it has been fun to see Morgan and Caroline developing their own little rhythms of sisterhood.  Yesterday, while Ellie was doing her homework Morgan and Caroline were playing together in the basement.  Morgan was pretending to be Caroline’s doggy and Caroline was leading her around the basement giggling every time Morgan barked.  Then Caroline would climb onto Morgan’s back and ride around the basement until she fell off.  It was precious.  Likewise, Caroline and Claire have had some special moments together too.  Last weekend I came upstairs carrying the basket of unmatched socks with Claire teetering on top of the pile!  I settled myself on the floor of Caroline’s room (one day it will be Claire’s room too) and put Claire next to me.  Caroline was in the hallway banging on Ellie and Morgan’s bedroom door crying to get in.  Ellie popped her head out, “No Caroline, you can’t come in!  You keep eating our crayons!” Then she shuts the door and Caroline collapses in a little devastated heap crying.  I call her into her bedroom and tell her that Claire will play with her.  Caroline tilts her head to the right and looks at Claire.  Then she shuffles slowly…ever so slowly over to us and sits down and before I have found the next match of socks Caroline is playing pick-a-boo with Claire and both girls are laughing!  Ok God, I see your bigger plan here.  We needed our Claire to complete our little family.  Thank you, thank you that the birth control didn’t work….but four kids is good….can we PLEASE stop at that?  All in all, I am doing so much better.  I feel like the fog those first months bring after childbirth is clearing.  I still have my hard days, which I know is normal.  I try to give myself grace.  A few quick prayer requests for our girls: Ellie – she is still struggling with reading.  We have a sweet high school student who comes twice a week to work with her, but it’s her self-esteem she needs prayer for.  I don’t what her struggles to color her view of herself.  Morgan – Morgan continues to have melt downs about five times a week.  She talks so negatively about herself and about life that it really concerns us.  She is always looking for the next “pleasure/fun” fix to be “happy”.  We were not prepared to handle a 6 year old dealing with a teenage skewed view of life. Please pray for our Morgan and for us that we parent her with love and understanding. Caroline – sigh – she is turning 2 on Dec 9^th and boy is she testing us!  Her vocabulary isn’t really advancing and she is getting frustrated.  We try to work with her, but it’s slow going. Please pray for patience all around! Claire – my poor little Claire still spits up A LOT after almost every feeding.  I don’t know if it Reflux because it doesn’t seem to cause her pain, but it does concern me.  I will be taking her into the doctor for a well check up soon.  Please pray that she can get over this.

Grandpa here for a visit

         I have taken up enough of your time – thanks for reading!  I pray you are enjoying this wonderful Christmas season.  It is my favorite time of year. I love to remember and celebrate our Savior’s birth so long ago.  May He keep you close to Himself this month and in the New Year. 

With much love!

Erin

Oktoberfest

Dear Family and Friends,

                I am in a rare moment when Daniel and I have switch roles and I get to be in the office writing you and he is spending a hour with the wee little lassies….it’s still quiet…good sign!  Sometimes I wonder how Daniel can get anything done with the wonderful fall view that is right outside his office window!  Wisconsin truly captures my story book idea of what fall should look like.  I am beginning to sound more and more like my mother, “Look at the beautiful trees, girls!  Look at all the colors!  Didn’t God do a great job when he designed fall?”  They give me the same vacant look that I know I gave my Mom.  Oh well…the trees are still beautiful! 

The Fish Boil went well as you can see

                “Erin, how are you doing these days?”  This is the question I get several times each week from friends or family on the phone, in person or through email.  I really feel cared for and appreciate the acknowledgement that I am in a challenging season of life.  I am happy to inform you that right now, this moment I am feeling more like myself and that is such a good thing.  What has changed to make me feel this way?  Nothing really – Claire is still up a few times at night and I still can’t even think of fitting into my normal clothes, but God has blessed me with the ability to see through the haze of sleeplessness and the constant role of on-demand mommy and truly enjoy the little people I am surrounded with all day.  For me, that is a big blessing and answer to prayer.  Please don’t get the wrong idea here.  I LOVE my family and I am blessed to be able to stay home with them.  I wouldn’t want it any other way, but sometimes too much of a good thing can be tiring! J So, to answer your question – yes, I have had a great couple days and I might hit the wall again tomorrow, but I am grateful for the feeling of reprieve this week has been to me – thank you, Lord!

Daniel meeting with a parishoner

                October is a big month for our little church.  We started off the month last week with a Fish Boil (something I have never heard of till moving here – I love WI!).  As you have read in Daniel’s write-up we hosted around 40 to 50 people from our neighborhood at our Fish Boil!  We set up our back yard with tables and fun fall center pieces (ok, I did the centerpieces…I was super proud of myself…is that ok to say? J).  I was a little nervous that we wouldn’t be able to pull it off in time or that I would have a complete emotional break-down due to constant exhaustion, but with the aid of sweet friends who helped from doing the Fish Boil itself, cleaning my bathrooms and lending chairs and tables it went smoothly.  I know I have said this in almost all my blogs, but there is nothing like seeing your husband doing what God has made him to do!  It’s not that Daniel is personable and charming (which I think he is), but his love for God’s people and for the lost is so apparent!  Sometimes I think God blesses us with “smoothness” in our endeavors not for Daniel, but for me….so I don’t kill him!!! 

 With that being said, it just further proof to my unbelief that He is in this – that He wants us here!  I sigh with contentment…thank you, Lord!  Then, as of last Thursday I have started leading my very first Bible Study.  This is something I never saw myself doing…ever!  I am not a nature leader.  I don’t crave the spotlight like that.  I prefer the behind the scene role, but God like he does with us, yanked me out of my comfort zone yet again.  Now it helps that we are doing a book study that I love and hold dear to my heart, Emotional Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.  I was in this study about a year ago.  It was lead by a dear friend from CO and under her leadership I grew and learned so much.  Since then I have loved promoting it…I just didn’t think I would be leading it myself!  We had six women attend last week (including myself) and it went well!  There are several women who are not only older than me, but have many more years of wisdom built up.  I was intimidated at first, but our discussion time turned into yet another learning experience for me.  Who said the leader doesn’t learn anything herself!  Please pray for our study time each week as we dive into the importance of our emotional health and how it relates to our walk with the Lord.

The Girls Walking to School with Will

                My girls…all four of them are doing great!  I think for the next ten years I will continue to be in shock that I have four kids….four girls none the less!  So much fun around here, my friends!  The two older girls continue to love school.  They walk the four blocks there and back each day with their friend Will.  It took me quite some time and MANY conversations about safety to be “ok” with this.  I still struggle as I watch them walk off each morning and pray, but it’s important to them to do it.  I wouldn’t let them go at all if it weren’t for Will.  He is such a sweet kid!  I have prayed for years that my girls would make a friend connection with a boy their age. I never had that as a kid and always wondered with it would have been like to grow up with a boy who was a friend.  Will lives down the street and he and his older sister are just what we prayed for.  Ellie was in her first swim meet here last week.  She did a great job and even got a medal!  Morgan had her 6^th birthday in September and continues to bug Daddy to get her ears pierced…Daddy isn’t budging!  Caroline does so many funny little things that I could write ten pages worth, but I will just share the most recent funny thing she does.  Every time I change Claire’s diaper and it’s messy she groans, puts a hand to her forehead and shakes her head!   It is just constant entertainment around here!  Claire is changing and growing so fast!  She is super cubby now – I love it and smiles and coos all the time!  I just want to squeeze her!

Claire super happy

                Well, this concludes my blog!   I will continue to thank you each time for your love and support and more importantly your prayers.  I feel the effects of them daily.  We miss you all so much!  May the Lord bless and keep each one of you close to Him!

Love,
Erin

4 Girls

Dear Family and Friends,

                Well, here I am 7 weeks after the birth of our fourth little girlie!  Miss Claire is cute as ever and we are doing great…that’s what I’m supposed to say, right? J!  I mean…I don’t really sleep anymore or remember anyone’s names.  Sometimes I find the milk in the cabinet and put diaper cream on my toothbrush, but hey…baby and mom are doing fine!!!  Four girls, people…we have four girls!!! I am most certainly overwhelmed and though my cup truly runneth over with blessings I do find myself rocking in a corner sometimes telling God that it’s way too much; Has given me too much?  These precious little lives entrusted to Daniel and me. I feel super unworthy.  There was a time about two and a half years ago when we were struggling to have another baby.  We had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time and my thinking got so bad that I thought that maybe I had already messed my first two kids so much that God didn’t want to entrust another life to me.  I knew in my heart that was a lie, but at the time I believed the lie…now look at me!  I wonder what I would think if myself from two and a half years ago could talk to the me now?  I am trying to let all my expectations go and just focus on the now, this moment.  The laundry and cleaning will have to wait (though that is SUPER hard for me to do).  There is a poem my mom used to quote to me when she rocked me when I was little. “Cleaning and scrubbing can wait this tomorrow. Babies grow up we have learned to our sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep.  I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.” So, I am trying to put this poem into action and when it gets too much I take Claire for a walk up and down the sidewalk in front of our house.  Last night I did just that around 9pm and as I walked I heard the most lovely violin music playing from across the street.  I could tell it was live and not a recording, but I couldn’t see where it was coming from. It was so beautifully haunting.  I felt such a rush of gratitude to my Lord for that little gift of music and I prayed for the hands who played it.  Claire stopped crying and we listened until she feel asleep.

Ellie, Morgan, Caroline, and Stephen chillin' on the hammock

                I was very blessed during the month of July and August to have back to back help come to visit.  First, my dear sister Megan came the first week in July.  She not only helped with all the kids, but cooked for me, cleaned for me, took me shopping and even got Claire on a good eat/wake/sleep schedule.  She saw the needs before I even voiced them.  Thank you my precious sister!  After Megan came there was Christie Sidelko (dear friend from CO)!  She stayed for a full ten days (bless you, my dear)!  She was on the ball and took care of the three older girls so I could focus on Claire.  She loved my kids so well that even Caroline started to settle into the fact that everything was going to be ok.  After one week she even got me off my butt to do a little low impact Zumba!  Then came my oldest friend from Georgia, Beth (we have been friends since 3^rd grade)!  We had a great time laughing and talking till the wee hours of the morning.  She was such an encouragement to me.  Next, my little brother Stephen came up!  We all packed up and went to our cabin in upper Michigan.  Uncle Stephen is so great with all the girls! He is gentle, patient and doesn’t mind when the three older ones climb up onto the hammock with him!  He is going to make a wonderful father one day.  Then last but not least my other sister Jenna and her boyfriend Armando came for a whole week!  It was so good to see them and we had a full week of fun activities, great talks and just plain good times!  What a bless you all are to me!  I love you dearly!

                So, besides the general craziness this season of life is for me I can still say I am a blessed women!  The support system I have is a solid and a loving one and I must mention my most valuable ally and support in my life…my Daniel.  This is a man who loves me unconditional and who bares with me during this time when I am so tired and my self-image is at a low.  He still calls me beautiful and I know he means it.  We celebrated our eleventh year of marriage this month and what a ride these eleven years have been.  Baby, you are still the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Thank you for loving me so much and always pointing me to my Savior.

                Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts over these last months.  This pregnancy was a hard one, but now our Claire is here – praise the Lord!!  I can’t wait to keep you all updated on her growth.  May the Lord bless you all!

Erin

Summer Time in Wisconsin

Greetings Friends and Family,

Ellie doing some painting

        It is a lovely day here in Appleton, WI!  The sun is shining and a light breeze plays over our freshly planted flowers.  Most people seem to have a small spring in their step…everyone…but me.  You will see me waddling around with feet the size of boulders and wearing a “if looks could kill” expression on my face…that would be me, folks! Sigh – we will be at 35 weeks pregnant this Saturday and I have officially entered the “get this kid out of me” red zone.  I hope I don’t appear to scary to others….I am trying to keep it under control.  My sweet husband has been picking his battles very cautiously these days.  I get to have the air conditioner on at night already due to the massive amounts of heat pouring off me and he hasn’t said one negative comment about my cooking!!!  In fact I get a, “This is great!” and “Mom, you are the best cook ever!”  Aww, my sweet family is so good to me!  Ellie and Morgan even said in the car yesterday, (Ellie) “Mom, your feet aren’t that big!”  (Morgan) “No Mom, they are big, but I like big feet!” Ellie has been extra supportive and sweet.  My very perceptive daughter has pinpointed one of my biggest struggles in life.  She noticed me poking at my double chin the other day and said in a slight scolding tone, “Mom, are you feeling bad about yourself again?” (me), “Yes”, (Ellie) “Mom, you are beautiful!”  Out of the mouths of babes, my friends.  So, as you can see, and for those of you who know me,  pregnancy is tough on my already fragile self image.  This is a battle I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.  God has used these four pregnancies to painfully remind me that my value doesn’t come in the size of my jeans or how many chins I have, but in Him.  I would love to say I have grasped this truth and can be joyful at any size, but alas I’m not where I want to be.  We all have our demons and this is one of my biggest.

Caroline Doing the Dishes

                Daniel and I continue to LOVE our new home and relish in the joy of having people in it.  As Daniel said in his update our little house might not be up to par in size for all the wonderful people flooding into it, but I don’t care a bit!  We can all just get cozy!  It seems we have crossed from “Church Planning” to “Church Planting” this month.  We have had two bible studies in our home and they went very well.  I am overwhelmed by the tangible fact that this is happening.  It is very exciting!  I just love the way the Lord has paved the way for us and the specific ways we do ministry.  For example, I was telling Daniel on Sunday night, as we put away chairs and picked up soda cans around the house after the Bible Study, that God knew that we needed to ease into this, or maybe that I needed that.  When we came to Appleton there was already a Community Group going out from Jacob’s Well Presbyterian Church that we became a part of.  The key phrase here is "a part of."  We didn’t jump right into a leadership role, but were able to get to know the Appleton Community Group of Jacob’s Well.  I felt at home there and established friends.  Now these wonderful people know us (or know us better than anyone else here) and while we are now climbing into a leadership role I feel we aren’t alone in this pursuit.  We have a group of people here who are truly “for us” in this and support this great desire to start a church.
            I have also been blessed by a strong and amazing group of women in this group.  While we met with the Community Group this past winter and spring we had a wonderful time at the end of each study where the women and men broke off into two groups and had a time of discussion and prayer.  I was able to get to know these incredible women and see their hearts and them see mine.  I found that it really cemented our group together.  Most of these women are now a part of our church plant, so when a situation arose a few weeks ago I was able to call on them.  There was a woman who started coming to our group who was homeless and her 30^th birthday was coming up and she had mentioned she wouldn’t be celebrating it. Daniel was going out of town and he wanted me to have her over for ice-cream and cake.  It was very last minute, but I sent word out and we were able to enjoy a girl’s night and celebrate our friend as she turned 30.  I was very touched to see such a response by my friends. (Thanks, Ladies!)

                I switch gears now to give you an update on the little ladies in my life.  Ellie just finished 2nd grade.  My baby is growing up so fast!  During the last few months she has been learning some new study skills at school and she had a geography test this past Tuesday.  I had a blast studying with her…I was able to brush up on some of my geography skills myself!  See, why can’t we go to school NOW when we actually care about learning!!  Ellie continues to be a wonderful role model to her little sisters.  She plays “doggie” with Morgan even though she would rather not and totes Care-Bear around on her hip like a little pro.  Caroline has learned to say “Ellie” (comes out more like “Eeie” with just a hint of a “L” in there somewhere) Ellie’s face just lights up when Caroline reaches her little cubby arms out to her to be picked up.  My heart melts!  Ellie continues to love crafts and yesterday put together an abstract "something" with all the recycling.  We have decided to sell it on Ebay and will start the bidding at one thousand dollars!

                Morgan has been hanging in there at home with her pregnant mother and her little sister.  She was counting down the days until Ellie was free d from her 2^nd grade obligations.  Now she has her companion back for more important things like make forts and mud pies.  She did have a fun opportunity to go to New York with Daddy and the rest of the Breed family for 5 days to celebrate Great-Grandma Virginia’s 100^th birthday.  I wish you could have seen her, my friends.  She was so excited, and when I dropped Daddy and Morgan off at the airport I was bummed I didn’t have my camera with me (grated it was 4:30 in the morning).  She was so cute walking into the airport pulling her little Hello Kitty pink roller suitcase!  Ahh, it kills me! She had a great time with Daddy and the family.  Morgan continues to amaze me with her insightful questions.  She asked me the other day if people would remember her when she died.  This is a five year old....  She is really excited to be starting Kindergarten and likes to tell Caroline that she won’t be around at home for much longer. Love it!

Caroline and our new friend Samantha

                Caroline….wow, what a kid!  It’s a darn good thing she is so cute!  She is at the testing stage and she even has a look she gets when she is about to test us. “No, Caroline don’t do it!!” (sigh).  We found a little Winnie the Pooh riding car in someone’s out going trash pile a few months ago.  The little car was in perfect condition though the little song it sings is really annoying.  She has mastered that little car and now Morgan, Caroline and mommy ride and waddle around the block almost every morning.  I have to say while my kids make me want to bang my head against a wall a couple times a day there is never a lack of entertainment around this house!  I put on some good dancing music the other night after dinner when the whining had reached a scary level and when Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson came on the “rhythm” or something like it grabbed all three girls!  Ellie starts walking around the kitchen bopping her head like a chicken, Morgan got a very serious look on her face and started whipping around, arms extended and throwing a leg out here and there almost hitting the bopping chicken dancer a few times.  Then there was Caroline who had a side to side waggle thing going on and as Michael got more into his song Caroline tucked her right arm into her side and started jerking it back and forth!  It’s her special move. I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe! 
               Well, that concludes my May update.  Thank you for your prayers and messages.  May the Lord bless you and keep you safe during this summer months.  You will hear from us again soon, but probably not before this family of five becomes a family of six!

Love to all!

Erin